I Wish

I wish I did more art. Made more things. I like to make things. I wish
I made things and sold them.

I wish I sold them and people came around and paid a lot of money for
them and said "Now those are some nice things." I ought to be up all
night stripped to the waist, a brush in my hand, another in my teeth,
obscure as shit modern classical music blasting out of a beat up, paint

spattered, pink Hello Kitty tape deck I filched from a crazy prices
years past, making things that people would open their wallets for and
say "MAN, you seen these things?"

Wish I'd kissed that girl in school.
Wish I'd been born with better cheekbones.
I wished I had cleaned my ass better just before I boarded that plane
and had to sit with the seat belt light on for like four fucking hours
between to fat bastards without showing any sighs of "ring sting"
You know what would have been good? If it turned out I'd been adopted
and was the child of someone special, if I had some sort of birth
right. Wish I'd found out at some point I had a birthright to claim.

Of that I had parents that didn't have annoying habits. You know the
kind.  They get to this kind of retarded brain dead stage where they
make you repeat everything you say with the words "what was that
son"?

I am glad I bought that car when I had the money and driven
cross-country with the "not giving a fidderers fuck who I owed"
feeling in my head. (which in fact, I didn't)
I should have driven through the back ass of the Antrim hills like a
madman with one hand on the wheel and some real keen shades and a
killer chick laughing 'cause we are CRAZY and we do not give a shit.
I wish that car had been a convertible. That way not only would I be
supper annoying to every wanna be BMW driver I passed but they would
get the full benefit of seeing the absolute bliss on my face at doing
so.

If I could say, "Man, you should have seen it. Hail the size of nipples
on my girlfriends tits due to the extreme cold when travelling open top
at 185mph" and not be lying, that would be something, right?
If someone would ask me "Where'd you get that tattoo?" and I could
pull on a hand rolled smoke and say {in a husky Dirty Harry way)
between tight grit teeth. "Damned if I know you son of a bitch"!

I wish Tattoo's weren't as common as the god damn colds.
I wish it had not hurt so much to get one. I will I hadn't farted
then coughed to cover up the noise when he hit me first time with the
ink needle.
I should have looked squinted like a young Clint Eastwood. I should
have broken that guys nose for asking. I should have been so mean I
would have killed a guy just for snoring.

Is it too late to be the kind of guy you don't want to get mixed up
with? Is it really too late for that? I mean, shit. I could fit in
those old pants again if I worked at it.

I wish I had been famous.
It's not like I'm asking for a Talk show. I just think I should
have been a frequent guest.
The kind you go "Oh, that guy, man this show rocks whenever that guys
on, that host? Has got some CHEMISTRY with that guy. I wonder what the
hell that guy has been up to since the last time he was on? And jesus
what the fuck happened to his hair?"

If I'd never have said I'd do half the things I said I'd do,
I'd sure as hell be someone different now. Argue with that. Hell, If
I did all the things I said I'd do, I'd be different. My own mother
wouldn't recognize me.

Or yours.

Should have got on the ground floor of the goddamn Internet and got out
before the damn thing collapsed. Wish I did.

Timing, you know? Don't tell me. I've been there. That's a
building I've been all the way around and I wish like hell I
hadn't, so don't tell me.

Wish I had a penny for every time your cake hole was catching flies.

Wish I'd tied my wagon to another star, hell anything, I could have
tied my wagon to a stray dog with Alzheimer's, I mean, my Jesus Wept,
wouldn't it have been nice to have something besides a friggin'
WAGON in the first place?

Tell you what, though. I blame you. Because you enabled the shit out of
me and that is the god damn truth, that is a truth you can take to the
bank and CARVE your damn signature into, because it is Granite, my
friend.

Oh, yes. Granite.

I'll tell you something else. This is not over. Not by a long shot.
You think that your minuscule little worm like intestible bug droppings
brains can call the likes of me a troll!!!
I'm going to do some very big things before they pull the curtain on
this show.

You people have got no idea what you are dealing with here do you?  See
that's the problem, I am just so far above all of you and your petty
little debates it would be less painful for me to insert a live hedge
hog up my ass then stick my finger up there to make it role into a
ball, than bare much more of you all talking about shit that isn't
going to make one ounce of difference to Mr Bush or Mr Blair or for
that matter your own miserable existence.

The hell if I'm going into a box without leaving my "goddamn
mark". Mind you I think my ass said that in a twisted conversation
with my boxer shorts before I removed them in my steam filled bathroom.

Who are you to think you can control or even pretend to contain the
wisdom and raw fact I perceive?

Troll am I. well hey!

I may be a troll but I bet I get you thinken real deep (excuse the
pun)if I told you that you always pick your nose at your desk then add
what you found up there to that great underworld under your desk top.

JESUS H CHRIST!! I bet it's like fucking Afghanistan under there by
now.
More fucking bumps hills mounts and slim filled valleys that google
earth could map.

So "come on" stop acting like you own the fucking rights to free
speech or even better, stop reading this shit and go out and get a
life!!

Count on it. Count to Goddamn one hundred with your eyes god damn
closed and no god damn peeking, I'll be back. SO look for me.

Good friggin' luck.

That's what I wish I said.